He Said

Summer is upon us and suddenly I find myself coming home, not to my sweet and loving wife but to a bunch of different looking men who are going through the house measuring, making suggestions, and in general trying to change at least one thing in every room of the house. One day I stopped one of them to find out just why he was there and he proceeded to tell me that you had actually invited him and all of his cronies to roam around. It was not just one day in a given week, but on several days in a two week span.

I recalled that we had been taking more than the usual number of trips to Lowe’s and Home Depot recently. Since I don’t know how any of those things in home improvement stores work anyway, I just follow you from department to department, with my hands in my pockets because you told me not to touch anything.

It seems to me that if they have all those trinkets on the shelves, they are begging to be touched. Why would anyone mind if I touched a hammer, or a light fixture? I’m not going to use either one of them.

Getting back to the men in the house, I find that we are getting ready to do a partial makeover in the kitchen and Lord knows what else in those other rooms. I asked one of those workmen if his wife could cook and he said that she’s another Betty Crocker. So I asked him if I could go home with him because one of the other men told me that our kitchen would be closed for at least two weeks.

A MAN CAN STARVE TO DEATH IN TWO WEEKS!

She Said

Looking at your physique, I doubt that you have to worry about starving to death anytime soon. I think you have once again embellished the truth to the max. I did ask a contractor to come by and give me an estimate about some minor work in the kitchen and you did happen to come home when he was here. There is no surprising you, Inspector Gadget! One of the workmen did come back another  day to take some measurements and bring me some tiles and paint colors to look over.

As far as taking you anywhere, especially one of the hardware stores, it’s like taking a seven-year- old. What’s this? What does this do? Have you ever used one of these? Why is this so small, or large, or long or whatever? You never stop asking questions. That’s why I have to sneak over to Lowe’s just to be able to browse at my leisure without having to explain how a hammer works. I would never take you down the garden tool aisle because you would have to touch every tool in there, and ask me a thousand questions about what they are used for.

This summer is a perfect time for us to get some much needed changes done to the kitchen and maybe a couple of other rooms while I am at it. This should not inconvenience you too much since all you do when you’re not working is sit out on the porch and read. You can still do that.

As far as the two week period when the kitchen is closed, I can offer you several good options. One, order a pizza and have it delivered to the front porch. Two, bring something to eat with you so you don’t starve. Or three, go on a diet and just eat apples every day for two weeks. You save money, lose weight, and get fresh air, all in one fell swoop.

Don’t ever say I don’t take care of my man.

About The Author

Larry Oldham
President

Larry Oldham is the most honest and talented salesperson on the planet, as well as the most humble. The Virginia Press Association bought in and awarded him the 2010 Outstanding Sales Professional of the Year. He and his wife Dena are known to debate the finer things in life with a little needling here and there whenever possible.