You know, I amnot usually one to complain. I am normally the type of person who gets along with everyone, takes everything in stride, and never makes a big deal about any issue. Sometimes, I get so caught up in making you happy that my own life has to suffer some affliction or discomfort. Today, I need to bring to your attention a situation that we have at home in the bedroom. This has been a concern of mine for some time, but being the gentleman that I am, I have kept silent. In a nutshell, I am freezing to death in our bed. I never knew you were such a fan of the fan. I should have known that when we initially looked at the house,and your first question was not, “Does the house need a roof?” Your second question was not “Does the heating system work or the air conditioning work?” Your first question was, “Does the house have a ceiling fan in every room?” WHAT? Who cares if the rooms have fans? The house does have central air, so what more could you ask for? I should have been suspicious when you bought fans for all the rooms that didn’t have them. I should have been extremely suspicious when you bought a fan for our room that was more expensive than our dining room table. I have to wear two pairs of socks to keep my feet warm. Since the fan is directly over me I get the brunt of the cold wave each night. You lay over on your side with the covers off gasping for air because you’re so hot. You won’t trade sides because you’re used to YOUR side. I guess the only solution is for me to start sleeping in a parka.
Mom always told me to make sure I chose a real man for a husband. Don’t choose a weak and wimpy man or you will have nothing but whining and complaining for the rest of your life. Well, once again I find that I have disobeyed my mom. I can’t believe that a little air at night stirring in the bedroom makes you so frigid. Last night you said I short-sheeted the bed and your ears were cold. WEAR A PAIR OF EAR MUFFS!!!
I exercise every night before we go to bed so when I’m finished taking my shower, I am still burning up. The fan has four or five settings, and I set it on the lowest speed just to please you so that I won’t have to listen to your yapping about freezing to death. I don’t remember hearing these complaints when we were younger if you know what I mean. I know you take blood thinners and you get colder than normal so I really am trying to work with you. If it was entirely up to me, I would sleep with the fan on the fastest speed every night with a light sheet and blanket up around my neck. Ah, that sounds heavenly. As far as the other fans in the house, we need a fan in the guest room so that our visitors will be comfortable. We need a fan in the kitchen to keep the air moving while I am in there slaving over your breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The dog needs a fan in her room because her coat is thick, and she gets hot easily. I know that even if I buy you a nice parka for your birthday, so you can sleep in it at night, you will just find something else to complain about, and we will be right back to square one. How about this — one night we sleep with the fan on; the next night we sleep with the fan off. Will that satisfy your need to survive the arctic air beating down on you?