He Said

Ah, February…the month of hearts, flowers, and candy. Let me see if I can think of all the things that I love and name them for you.

I loved your Christmas tree last year. Lime and red certainly popped out and caught my attention more than the usual (boring) decor. I love your new car; it’s so comfortable and is always clean and dependable. I love how the house is neatly organized and smells so fresh. I love how the sheets on the bed are always clean and fragrant. I love that you make breakfast for me every morning with no complaints and a dedication that you constantly show me. I love the way you take care of the dog as if she were a human being. I love how you plant flowers and lovingly take care of them all year long, both inside and outside. I love how you are not afraid to tackle any job and you do it with the utmost care. I love how you challenge me to eat right, to exercise, and to take care of myself. I love how you plan to live to be 100 years old, and you say it and live it with conviction. I love how you make me do things I don’t always want to do like —clean my room and hang up my clothes. Oops, sounds like I am ten-years old and you are my mother. Let’s just say, I love how you make me feel ten-years old and encourage me without sounding like my mother. I love how you bring your paycheck home to me each week and hand it over as a good wife should do. I love how you wash my car every Saturday religiously to make sure my car is clean for the upcoming week. I love how you wash and iron my clothes every day to make sure that I always have the cleanest clothes on the block. I love how you always start out reading something then stop in the middle and pretend you finish what you started reading. Thank God for that because you may not agree with some of the things I have written here.

She Said

Okay….what do you want? Why are you buttering me up? You must think I’m an idiot to fall for all of these flowery words. I love how you are so easy to see through. I know this has been your way of mesmerizing me so that you don’t have to buy candy, flowers, or a Valentine. Guess what? You need to go shopping! Your diversionary tactics won’t work this time.

When have I ever handed you my paycheck? You must have me confused with some of the girls that you fantasize over. As far as washing your car, I have my own car to wash every week and besides a good husband would wash my car weekly or at least pay to have it run through the car wash. I do wash your clothes, sheets, etc. Now, if you could only figure out what hangers are used for instead of piling your clothes on chairs when you undress. I wouldn’t even attempt to try and iron your shirts since not even the dry cleaners can satisfy you.

No, I read through the whole shebang and all I can say is you must have sneaked into Colorado and bought some of that medicinal wacko weed. You sure have been doing something to make you brain dead. You best be getting over to the Hallmark store and buy an expensive Valentine. Then you can stop by the store and purchase the biggest, prettiest, heart-shaped box of candy ever, and maybe even the florist will have those purple roses again this year. Oh, and by the way, the gas station and car wash are on the way home so you can be the perfect Valentine gift for me after all!

Give you my paycheck…yeah, right!

About The Author

Larry Oldham
President

Larry Oldham is the most honest and talented salesperson on the planet, as well as the most humble. The Virginia Press Association bought in and awarded him the 2010 Outstanding Sales Professional of the Year. He and his wife Dena are known to debate the finer things in life with a little needling here and there whenever possible.