Well, I have finally reached the weight where I can officially call myself your “Big Fat Santa.”
I mean who wouldn’t want to have their own personal Santa. I have never seen my weight blossom like it did this year. My clothes don’t fit and my hair is balding, but you still don’t hear me complaining, do you?
I am still jolly. I am still good natured. I’m an expert at bringing you goodies. So, I guess that is all the requirements needed to be a good Santa. I know I am like this all of the year but the holidays, Christmas especially, seems to be the right time for me to play this role.
Now, before you start asking me a bunch of questions about gifts this year, I want you to remember the old adage that Christmas is not just about giving presents, because in my case I like receiving them. However, I am sure you will get a present if you have been a good little girl. From all the people I talk to, you have been more than good, you have been great. In my little red book you have been the most beautiful reindeer of all. Now that I have finished buttering you up, we might as well talk about what you should give me for Christmas. Tell you what I am going to do. Since you like surprises so much I am going to just let you surprise me this year with my gift. It is the least I can do with you being voted favorite reindeer and all.
Christmas to you is no exception is it? You still want something for nothing and you’re expecting me to get it for you. As your Mrs. Claus, I’m here to tell you that you have NOT been good this year. As a matter of fact, you have been downright ornery and yes, you have let yourself go physically to the point where you actually could be my Santa Claus.
Do I need a bearded old man in my life with a red suit on, sitting on a sleigh pulled by reindeer this December? Probably not. Not unless this Santa had a bag full of diamonds, candy, and jewelry. Then maybe, just maybe, I could put up with some shenanigans for a few days. I can’t make you diet. I can’t make you slim. I can’t make you less ornery, I can’t make you younger. I can’t make you exercise for your own health benefits. What I can do is stay at work late, leave the house early, stay on facebook when I am at home, eat a less fattening diet, exercise on my elliptical, in other words keep myself in shape without worrying about you and your size 72 pants.
No, if there is one thing that I would like for this year besides peace, quiet, and understanding, it would be for my favorite Santa to take better care of himself, health-wise. That way you would be around for years to come so you can deliver more presents. If you want to make this girl happy–listen clearly, behave rationally, quit eating the wrong food, lose weight, write only good things about me, and clean up after yourself. Merry Christmas, Sweetheart!